Saddie
Winter Is Dead & Mercury Retrograde Is Over.
It's been a really long winter. My last post was over 3 months ago & when I read it, I just want to hug that Saddie because little did she know what the next 3 months would have in store for her. Over the course of the winter, I've written blog posts but have never published them because I wasn't ready to share the heartbreak, humiliation & feelings of failure that I'd been dealing with since December. I had contemplated many times with just publishing what I had written but it had been written in anger & when you're angry, you don't have logic & you say things you don't necessarily mean. These past 3 months have involved a lot of growth. With that growth came a lot of uncomfortable feelings but it's true what they say about uncomfortable feelings bringing changes for the better. I guess I should start where I left off in my last post ...
The end of December was intense. I was trying to get all my clearances for my surgery because I wanted to have it in January when it was the off season at work. At the same time I was still working out my feelings for someone & for some reason I decided to kind of go for it, in my own way. I arranged a night out & the evening was going great. I had enough liquid courage to not be so awkward & I felt so comfortable in what would usually have been a very uncomfortable scene for me.
This is a picture of me before I went out that night. This Saddie had no idea how that night was going to end.
I thought we were connecting & I was genuinely excited until something happened that changed everything & I ended up leaving the bar in tears & my heart shattered in a million pieces. I don't know how I had misread the signs. I think I was blinded by hope because I felt our connection was strong & growing. In reality, I should've known this would happen. I had a feeling this was going to happen, but I brushed it off because I really wanted us to work out. What happened has been the story of my entire life: I like a guy & guy likes my best friend. He likes me but not like that. In the past I had been able to take that L & keep it pushing but something about this was different & it left me completely shattered. I had never felt such an intense emotion as I had felt that night & those weeks after.
This is a poem I wrote that same night. This is the first time I've ever shared a poem but it was my emotions in my rawest form.
The first 3 weeks after That Night were the hardest. I felt like there was no reason I should feel like this because we never dated but there's no logic when it comes things like this. I felt absolutely awful about myself & more self conscious than ever. It was hard not to compare myself everyday to the person he preferred. It was easy for my mind to go straight to the "if you were skinnier, he would've" thoughts. I couldn't listen to music at all because our connection was the strongest when we spoke about music. I had never met someone who had the same exact music taste as me. I couldn't watch anything because everything reminded me of him. I spent those 3 weeks listening to a rain playlist on repeat & sleeping. I isolated myself from everyone & because it was my off season at work, I was only working 2 days a week. Those were extremely quiet weeks. On top of it all, only 4 people knew what was going on because I was too embarrassed to let anyone know what was going on.
The first 3 weeks of 2019 was filled with a lot of sadness, a lot of sleeping & a whole lot of crying. It played a role with my eating habits. It goes without saying that this is not something someone who is recovering from a binge-eating disorder needs to deal with. The first week after That Night I struggled to eat. I felt awful about myself & if I didn't eat, I wouldn't gain weight & if I didn't gain weight than maybe he would choose me? As you could see, there was just no logic during this period. The second & third week I dealt with binge-eating. It's like I couldn't stop because I needed to fill the void. I ended up gaining 6 lbs during this time. During my January weigh-in they asked what happened & I couldn't bring myself to tell them that I was heartbroken & depressed, that all of this was over a guy. A GUY!!!
When February came, the raw hurt subdued to a constant throbbing. It didn't seem fair that he thought everything could go back to the way it was before That Night. It didn't seem fair that I was the only one hurting & it didn't feel fair that I still liked him. It's not that I was mad he didn't like me because nobody owes me that & we like who we like, that is not the issue. It's just that I felt I couldn't trust anything, including my judgement. Too many times I have dealt with guys using me to get to my best friends & it felt like that all over again.
I was dealing with family issues during this time as well. My weight kept yo-yo-ing & it was interfering with my surgery date. Every time I stepped on the scale, I would just cry because I knew I could do better but I just wasn't in the right mental head space. February was a tough month as well but I was slowly learning to live my life with this rejection & in that, a new me was slowly emerging.
In the first picture you can kind of see how my clothes aren't fitting, which is cool but you can also see how exhausted I am from just dealing with life. The second picture is not a picture I would usually post but I like it because I caught myself mid eye roll.
By the time March came through, the constant throbbing turned into a slight irritation. I finally started to integrate myself into normal life again. Work wasn't so bad & I could listen to music without wanting to cry. (Check out my AFTER playlist on my playlist tab!) At my March weigh-in I had lost weight but was still 3 lbs away from getting surgery. I came home disappointed because I was running out of time. The busy season at work starts in April & I had to go to El Salvador to help my mom with immigration matters & I wouldn't be able to heal in time. I forgot all about what's-his-face & focused on losing the last 3 lbs. I became super restrictive on what I ate & was working out & pushing myself but after 2 weeks, I got on the scale & it said I gained weight. I couldn't believe that I was doing everything right & yet the scale was saying otherwise. I was so discouraged because time was running out.
This last week of March I had made the decision to postpone my surgery date to September. Not only for my mom, but for my sake as well. The pressure of everything was making me sick & putting me in a weird head space. I wasn't going to rush such a delicate process just to get it over with because God forbid something happens & I'm in another country? Also, once my mom's immigration status is situated, it will be a big weight lifted off my shoulders & something I won't have to stress about which will give me more time to be selfish & focus on myself. I know many people will not understand the decision I made, but it's something I've thought a lot about & it's not like I'm not getting the surgery. I'm just moving it but I will still be losing weight. Currently I am 103 lbs down & counting!
Within these past 3 months I have felt myself grow. I have been doing things that I've never though of doing & saying things I would have never thought of saying out loud. I went to my first comedy show. It was spur of the moment & I thought about backing out over a hundred times but I went & I had a great experience. I highly recommend seeing Pete Davidson live, he is great & awkward & I love him. I decided to go to concerts again, something I haven't done in 5 years because my anxiety just wouldn't let me. I get to see Catfish & The Bottlemen on Wednesday, one of my favorite bands, for the first time & then I get to see Bad Bunny in Pennsylvania on the 28th. Another first: my first road trip! I've been less afraid to go out & do things during regular hours instead of waiting to do things when I know places will be empty. I even offered to help out with my job's booth at the Bridal Expo, something I know there will be a lot of people there! & it doesn't make me nervous, it makes me excited! Speaking of work, I've been killing it at work! My orders have definitely increased since this time last year & I am much more comfortable talking to our customers now. Before I was so nervous, constantly apologizing & now I have never felt more comfortable.
Other changes I've notice have come within. I stopped speaking bad about myself. Now when I look in the mirror I don't point out all my flaws. I see my awesome curly hair, my dimples and my smile. The way I carry myself is a lot different than I did 3 months ago. I decided to dress up again & do my makeup after 2 months of not even bothering because I was so depressed. I have enjoyed taking pictures of myself.
1st picture: You can see how small my arms are getting. It's lit.
2nd picture: The lighting at work last Wednesday was everything, I had to take a picture.
3rd picture: All my clothes are mad big on me so they swallow me but I'm slowly getting comfortable with taking pictures of myself.
You can't tell me shit right now & I fucking earned the right to feel that way about myself because I have been made to feel like I didn't deserve to love myself because of how much I weigh for far too long. It took getting my heart shattered into a thousand pieces for me to realize that if I'm too much for someone, it's because they're not enough. It also took for that to happen for me to realize how many great people I have around me. Those who knew what had happened rallied around me & checked on me to make sure I was okay. They created this space for me to feel these emotions & heal. It was with their support that I was able to pick up the pieces & rearrange myself into a new piece. Forever grateful for the support system the universe has given me. I would be lost without them!
This is usually the part of blog where I put my favorites of the month. I have a lot but I'm going to name a few ...
Music: Hoodie SZN by A Boogie, x100PRE by Bad Bunny & thank u, next by Ariana Grande have been the 3 albums I've had on repeat. This album solidified Bad Bunny as one of my favorite artists & it was the only album I could listen to during that dark time. (Alexa, play Si Estuviesemos Juntos by Bad Bunny.) Hoodie SZN made me an A Boogie fan. Also shout out to the rain playlist I found on Spotify that kept me company when I couldn't listen to anything without crying.
TV: Dynasty. THAT SHOW IS EVERYTHING! Sammie Jo is everything! The drama, nothing better when you're feeling dramatic yourself. My cousin has been trying to get me to watch this show for the past year & I kept putting it off. I'm so sorry Kathy! I've also been watching The West Wing. I love a young Rob Lowe! A movie I've really enjoyed watching is the Motley Crue movie, The Dirt. I'm not gonna lie, I went in a little bias because MGK was playing Tommy Lee & y'all know I love MGK, but I was surprised on how much I liked the movie. It was great & 10/10 would recommend!
So that's pretty much how the first 3 months of 2019 has been treating me. In one way I am glad this all happened because I like the person I am becoming & I can't wait to see what comes next. With one week into spring, I feel rejuvenated. Like, winter was not it! It's all about fresh, new experiences from now on.
As always, thank you to everyone who takes the time to read any post I write. During these past 3 months I have had people ask me if I was okay because I hadn't posted. That meant so much. So many people have reached out with kind words & positivity, it has been amazing so thank you because it is very much appreciated.
I leave you guys with a my current favorite quote: "The first blooms of spring always make my heart sing." - S. Brown
Until next time,